Why Pirates Should Never Sneeze
by Fanservice-911
Summary: "Damn sneeze," he thought angrily. If it weren't for his mild cold, he wouldn't be in this position right now. AsaKiku Warning: Fail pirate lingo and kinky lemon.


"HA-AKCHOO!" Arthur sneezed again, wishing he could wipe his nose. Unfortunately, he couldn't exactly reach, considering his wrists were bound.

_Damn sneeze,_he thought angrily. If it weren't for his mild cold, he wouldn't be in this position right now.

* * *

><p><em>Captain Kirkland had been chasing that Japanese merchant ship for weeks, and his ship had finally caught up. His crew had quickly boarded, expecting an easy victory. The Japanese were better fighters than they had originally thought, putting up a hard fight. Captain Kirkland finally managed to sneak away from the fighting and found the cabin where the Japanese captain should be. He threw open the door and was pleased to see the man obviously in charge.<em>

_"Kirkland-taichou," the Japanese captain said, his face emotionless. The pirate smirked._

_"I see ye've heard o' me," Arthur replied. "Excellent." He advanced on the smaller man, a gun in his hand. "I'd suggest handin' o'er yer ship right now if ye don't wan' t' die."_

_"I must respectfully refuse," the man answered coldly, reaching for the katana by his side. Arthur narrowed his eyes._

_"Don't ye dare try t' grab that sword," he said threateningly, raising his gun. "I'll just shoot ye on th' spot."_

_The Japanese captain froze, but his eyes were icy as he watched the Brit. Arthur smiled, knowing he had won._

_But then he sneezed._

_It was a strange way to win, but the Japanese man took that chance to grab his katana and push Arthur against the wall. When the blond finally recovered, the blade was at his throat and he had no choice but to submit._

* * *

><p>Arthur cursed again under his breath, struggling against his bonds. <em>Captain Kirkland, scourge of the seven seas, defeated by a bloody cold!<em> he thought viciously. _Fucking pathetic..._

The door opened and he looked up, his blood boiling at the sight of his captor. "'Bout time ye showed up," he spat. "It's bloody rude t' keep yer guests waitin' like this." He was thankful the cold had decided to leave him alone for a while.

The Japanese man simply watched him with blank eyes. He bowed and said, "My name is Honda Kiku. I am the captain of this ship, but..." He gave a tiny smile. "I assume you already knew that." He crossed over to the large chest on the other side of the room, touching the lid softly with the tips of his fingers. His eyes never left Arthur for a second. "You are Arthur Kirkland-taichou, correct? I have heard of you."

"Who bloody hasn't?" Arthur snarled. "Shut yer trap an' get on with whatever it is ye want out o' me."

Kiku sighed. "Very well, then..." He opened the chest and began rummaging around in it. Arthur leaned forward, trying to see what was inside, but he couldn't. There were some strange sounds coming from it, though. Was that... Clinking?

"To be honest," Kiku said as he searched, "I did not plan on capturing you. But you showed up and attacked me like that..." He smiled again and the clinking stopped. He must have found what he was looking for. "I had no choice but to take you as my hostage," he finished, pulling something out of the chest and closing the lid. He held the thing behind his back and stepped closer to Arthur.

"If ye don't want me as a hostage, then let me go," Arthur said, his eyes flashing. Kiku laughed lightly.

"I never said I did not want you," he said. His tone hadn't changed, but his eyes were menacing as he looked Arthur up and down.

Arthur gave him a suspicious, albeit confused, look. "Wha... What do ye mean by that?" He would never admit it, but the look in Kiku's eyes was starting to scare him. A shiver went up his spine as the Japanese man bent down and touched him lightly on the cheek.

"I think it will become quite clear what I mean in a moment," he replied, smiling. He stood up and revealed what the object behind his back was - chains. That must have been what was making the clinking sounds.

Arthur frowned. "An' just what are ye planning t' do with those?"

Kiku's expression didn't change in the slightest. "Kirkland-taichou, I must ask you to stay completely still. I do not wish to harm you."

"Git," Arthur muttered to himself, but did as he was told. He figured if he did exactly as Kiku told him, then he might be able to find a chance to escape. He watched silently as the shorter man attached the chain to the ropes binding his wrists and lifted his arms over his head. "What're ye doing?" he asked suspiciously.

"It isn't going to hurt you, if that was what you were wondering," Kiku replied, deftly avoiding the question. Arthur knew better than to ask further questions. He had been captured before, and knew how to escape. He just needed a tiny opening...

He heard more sounds of metal on metal, and realized Kiku was fastening the chains to a ring or something of the sort on the wall behind him. He grimaced. Getting away might be a bit more difficult, but he would be able to do it.

Kiku stepped back, admiring his work. Then he turned and went back to rifling through the chest. He paused, muttering something to himself in Japanese. He pulled whatever it was he had found out and inspected it at length.

Arthur strained his neck, trying to see what it was. He finally caught a glimpse and frowned, confused. What could Kiku possibly want with a whip?

Just was he thought that, Kiku turned and walked back over to him. He glared up at his captor and asked, "What do ye want?"

Kiku shook his head and fiddled with the whip in his hands. "If you have still not figured it out yet, you will in a moment." With the a quick flick of his wrist, the tip of the whip made a graceful arc, hitting the ground with a satisfying _crack_, and then it was back in his hands just as fast.

This was all quite boring for Arthur, who had seen pretty much everything there was to see on his journies - until Kiku did something unexpected.

Kiku cracked the whip again as if to test it, a devious smile crossing his face for just an instant. Arthur wondered if he had imagined it. The black haired male finally got down to business, his expression blank. He let the whip fly once more, but this time, it actually hit Arthur...

... Right on his crotch.

He winced, refusing to show any more pain than that. Actually, his vision was threatening to be blurred by tears completely and his lowers regions were stinging and burning up, but it wasn't like he was going to let _Kiku_know how much it hurt. He clenched his fists tighter, hoping the nails digging into his skin would distract him.

It didn't.

Kiku was observing silently, that creepy smile returning. He appeared to know exactly what Arthur was feeling, but was holding back from saying anything about it. Instead, he repeated the action, hitting the British pirate with two well-practiced flicks.

Arthur couldn't help but gasp, the horrible tingling bringing tears to his eyes. What was happening to him? He _never_ cried, he was a bloody pirate for goodness sake! And here he was, already reduced to tears, minimal as they may be. _Pathetic._

"Exactly as predicted," Kiku muttered to himself. Wait, he had _planned_all this? What the hell?

"What th' fuck do ye think yer doin'?" Arthur snarled. Kiku laughed and waved his hand dismissively.

"I think you know exactly," he replied smoothly.

_Crack._

Arthur tried blinking his tears away as the pain increased, but more soon followed. It seemed for every tear he managed to get rid of, two took its place. He was vaugely aware of Kiku moving to start pulling of his trousers.

A moan interrupted his thoughts, and he was slightly disturbed when he realized he was the cause of the sound. He looked down and his eyes widened when he realized how hard he had become. It seemed when Kiku had peeled off his pants, the minor friction caused him some... Pleasure.

"Enjoying this?" Kiku asked, his smile unwavering.

"No," Arthur replied immediately. He tried to ignore how unconfident he was with that answer. In a strange way, he was actually enjoying this. Sure, the bondage bit, and the whip, of course, were kinky as hell, but he just couldn't turn a blind eye to how much he was getting turned on.

Or, at least how turned on his southern areas were getting.

Kiku seemed to understand this and tried giving the whip one last shot at Arthur's crotch. "This is gettin' old," the blond complained mockingly, forcing the pain out of his voice. "Ye got anythin' new for me?"

"Of course, Kirkland-taichou," was the respectful response, accented by a little bow. How anyone could be so polite in a situation like this was beyond Arthur.

Suddenly, his underwear was gone and Kiku had a new toy in his hand: a ring of some sort. He admired Arthur's large, half-hard cock for a moment, before deftly slipping the ring on it. Arthur stared at it, completely baffled.

"What is this?" he asked, frowning. Kiku shook his head.

"Later." Arthur knew from his short experience with the Japanese man to expect bad things whenever he was that vague. He decided he didn't want to think about it yet.

Kiku interrupted his thoughts when he grabbed the Brit's cock and started massaging it with his thumbs. Arthur, startled, let out a loud moan, which was quickly toned down. The black haired male made no comment, which Arthur was thankful for.

"I thought you could do with some relaxation after such harsh treatment," Kiku explained, his hands moving as if he was a professional masseur. It was already driving the pirate crazy.

"I think y-yer right," he replied, unable to stop the stutter from entering his voice. It just felt so _good_! Kiku smiled and gave him a hard squeeze, making Arthur bite his lip to stop himself from reacting.

So Kiku moved on to Level 2.

He bent down and let his tongue slide lazily over the very tip of Arthur's cock, making sure to pay special attention to the slit at the top. Arthur couldn't help but moan at this point, and was embarrassed to realize it was already almost time for him to release. When Kiku moved back, he was almost disappointed, but the short man had other ideas.

"Some people have extremely sensitive areas in strange places," he explained. "I wonder if you do, as well?" He studied Arthur for a moment, as if analyzing him. Arthur had to admit, he had touched himself on a few occasions, but he had absolutely no idea where his erogenous zone - or "sensitive place" - was. This might actually prove to be quite helpful.

"I think I know," Kiku declared finally.

"Yeh?" Arthur said, impatient. "Wha 'tis it, then?"

Kiku didn't reply. Instead, he poked the pirate right in the eyebrow.

Arthur would have laughed at how ridiculous that was, if it wasn't for the sudden wave of erotic pleasure that gave him. It was almost enough to make him cum.

Nodding in a satisfied way, Kiku picked up his whip again and tried setting it on his newfound target. As soon as the leather hit his large eyebrows, Arthur couldn't help but scream in the mix of intense pleasure and searing pain. In fact, it was enough to send him over the edge. He was all prepared to cum...

But nothing happened.

Still panting heavily, he looked down and his eyes widened in realization. Kiku chuckled.

"Finally figured it out?" he murmured. Arthur just stared at his cock, finally remembering the ring Kiku had placed on it not too long ago. So _that's_what it did...

"Take it off!" he shouted, his rage magnified by his agonizing need for release. Kiku just looked at him with emotionless eyes and that infuriating smile. "Take it _off_!" he repeated, even louder.

"No."

"Fuck you," Arthur growled. He struggled against his bonds, to no avail. The chains wouldn't yield, and the ropes were tied perfectly. He ignored how futile it was, and continued fighting his restrainments. A sneeze briefly interrupted his struggle, the sudden movement driving him even crazier.

Kiku decided at that moment to hit his eyebrows with the whip again, driving the pirate insane. He was struggling like a starving animal with food in sight, but just out of reach. His eyes were wild and he kicked his legs, screaming an incoherent stream of threats and profanity.

The Japanese man watched in mild amusement, his eyes flicking to the ceiling every few moments. Finally, he said, "That is enough, Kirkland-taichou." He took out his katana and held it up to Arthur's throat, forcing the Brit to be still. "That is enough," he repeated.

Arthur just glared at him with more strength than a basilisk could ever hope to have. It was a wonder Kiku was still standing, let alone holding out his blade without shaking in the least.

Satisfied that the pirate wasn't going to move, Kiku kneeled down and slowly engulfed the entirety of Arthur's cock in his mouth. Arthur moaned loudly, bucking. Kiku had to hold his hips down forcefully so as not to choke. Then, with quiet precision, he gripped the ring skillfully between his teeth and slipped it off.

Immediately, Arthur let out another lusty, resonant moan and came right into Kiku's waiting mouth. Sighed, he leaned against the wall behind him and closed his eyes. He was panting heavily.

Kiku wiped his mouth with a waiting towel and grabbed a knife from the desk. He swiftly cut through Arthur's ropes and backed off.

"You are free to go," he announced monotonously.

Arthur blinked in surprise. "Eh?" was all he could manage.

"You can leave," Kiku repeated.

The Brit frowned, suspicion tracing his voice. "This be a trap," he stated. Kiku shook his head.

"It is not. I swear on my honor," he said. Arthur narrowed his eyes in distrust, but stood and made his way to the door. "There will be a boat waiting for you," Kiku called after him. He only got a grunt in response.

As soon as Arthur was out of the room, he looked up and said, "You may come down now, Elizaveta-san."

A panel in the ceiling was roughly pushed aside and a girl jumped down. She had long brown hair with a flower in it, and she was wearing what seemed to be spy clothes. She was looking at a silver camera in her hands and giggling furiously.

"Did you get any good shots?" Kiku asked politely.

"Yes!" Elizaveta shouted enthusiastically. "I'm soooo glad we convinced Rod to fund our time machine project!" Kiku chuckled.

"Where should we go next?"

"Hm..." Elizaveta thought for a moment, and then grinned. "1861?" she suggested.

A devilish look passed through Kiku's face. "I will go start the machine."

* * *

><p><strong>Wee, cop out ending! XD<strong>

**Anyway, I'm not much of an AsaKiku fan, which is probably why I'm really not happy with how this turned out... I only wrote this because it was requested.**

**Also, sorry for the fail pirate lingo. ^^;**

**Reviews and critique are appreciated~**

_P.S. 1861 is the start of the American Civil War. It's setting up an idea for a fanfiction that I plan to write about America... Trying to gain dominance..._

_Over himself..._

Look forward to it.


End file.
